Welcome to the Monkeyhouse

There really is an Estonia…

2006-12-01T23:34:00.000-08:00

About 8 years ago I had a kidney stone, and wouldn’t you know…I’ve gotten another one. I spent the Thanksgiving holiday in LV and on our first full day back in town I ended up in the ER. It’s been almost a week of straining my pee, and I haven’t passed it yet. Every so often I get some back pain otherwise I am well. While I was sitting in the ER waiting room, hopped up on morphine, some lady had the following conversation with her husband, who was wincing in pain and doing his best to pay attention to her…

“Honey do you remember that movie with Brendan Frasier? The one where he from the past, in that movie they say that he’s from Estonia, (at the point she turns toward the waiting room TV which is tuned into CNN and reporting on the conflict in Estonia), look there really is an Estonia”

Who was it that said, “Better to let people think you a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”

Also, did anyone notice that on my Dead Marriage Pool post from August that I've called it 2 for 3 so far...Nick and his lady will pull through for me.

Bad Blogger…

2006-10-08T02:05:00.000-07:00

For fear of being put on a hobo blogger list, I’ve forced myself to sit down and do more then just read everyone else’s posts. So, what’s been going on…

1. The hubby’s b-day was Friday, and I had a crappy day at work and wasn’t as chipper as I wanted to be. But I did get about 100 friends and family members to with him well via email and pretend like I had nothing to do with it.

2. The baby will be six months old at the end of the month.

3. My older son started Spanish classes and has been walking around the house singing, “red is rojo” to the tune of “Are you sleeping”

4. I’ve been really bad about using my date planner and have been forgetting everything, today it was a hair appointment.

5. My house is such a mess that it looks like someone broke in and ransacked it.

6. I found a friends ex-boyfriend on www.dontdatehimgirl.com.

7. I saw two different car accidents, about 4 hours apart on the same street corner on Thursday, it made me worry that I was cursed…I got over it quickly.

8. I’ve been sucked into the world of reality TV once again…That being said: I want Michael Knight to win Project Runway; I don’t care who wins ANTM, but it appears that the girls are super crazy this year…yippee; and the red necks on the Amazing Race crake me up.

9. My work is putting together a plan incase of a major Flu outbreak, and be being as neurotic as I am, am trying to figure out how to store enough food and water incase we have to hold up in the house for a 6 week period.

10. Speaking of neurotic, I went to see a dermatologist last week to get a odd looking mole checked out, turns out that it was basically a scar, but a mole that I wasn’t worried about looked suspicious to the doc, now I have to get it cut off and sent for testing.

That’s about it for now.

A stroll down memory lane...

2006-08-15T23:54:00.000-07:00

Foot in the hole...

Sound familiar anyone?

Shit today, Fuck tomorrow

2006-08-04T23:29:00.000-07:00

First “Idiot”, now “Shit”. That’s right; my little angel has said “shit”. The other day at dinner, little boy was running down the list of classmates who’ve said “idiot”, I asked him what he said, to which he responded “I told him he was a yucky boy!” Now he’s moved on to “Shit”, and not just any “Shit”…“Holy Shit”. Actually, it was all said in context (as in “Adam said Holy Shit”), which I’ve convinced myself, makes it better. So, we’ve been come up with alternative things to say:
“Holy Cow”
“Holy Moly”
“Walloping Web Snappers”
“Holy Smokes”
I’m waiting to see what he comes up with next.

Dead Marriage Pool

2006-08-02T22:51:00.000-07:00

So, a friend and I have been talking about putting together a Dead Marriage Pool, kinda like a good ol' fashion death pool but only taking about marriage and not people.

#1 - Pam and Kid Rock...really, who are they kidding, she's had implants that will last longer then this marriage.

#2-Brittany and K-Fed...I think she's going to get a VD from him and that will be the last straw.

#3- Nick Cage and Alice...there's like a 20 year age difference, at that point it's just gross, I'm thinking the girl will eventully come to her senses...same goes for Mike Douglas and Cathy Jones.

Little Idiots Everywhere

2006-07-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

I started back to work a little over two weeks ago, and things are going pretty well. I didn’t freak out about leaving my little boy at day care, but that's probably was because I went back on a reduced schedule for the first few days as to help transition both of us. Also, my older son goes to the same school and I know the staff really well. Now, I’m back to my regular schedule, which is six hours a day.

The weekend before I went back my parents came to visit, which totally sucked. To put it simply, they are both asses…but for different reasons. My dad is just your run of the mill asshole. I think it really just boils down to insecurity, but he feels the need to be nasty to people for no apparent reason, which I assume makes him feel better about himself. On this trip, we were visiting a touristy area in the woods around town when he snapped a sixteen year old working at a soda shop because she made the ice cream cone he ordered for my mom to big…wtf. Then he wanted to argue everything under the sun.

On the day before they left, it was my first day back to work and I got off and started heading home when I called ahead to see if they wanted to go to lunch. My mom put my father on the phone and we discussed lunch options, I had suggest Mexican, but he said that he wanted a get a sandwich at a “mom and pop” joint. So, I pick them up and we headed to a “mom and pop” sandwich place, when my husband called and I told him where we were going. After we got off the phone here goes my dad…

“I thought we were getting Mexican?”

Me: “You said you wanted a sandwich”

Dad: “No I didn’t, I said I wanted to go to a ‘mom and pop restaurant’” (with a sarcastic chuckle)

Me: “No dad, I asked if you wanted Mexican, you said ‘No, I just want to go someplace where I can get a sandwich, you know a mom and pop restaurant'. I never said the word ‘sandwich’ that was all your idea”. (At this point my mom pipes up from the back seat to remind my father that he is the one who brought up the sandwiches)

Dad: “I just meant that I didn’t want to go to a big chain restaurant. And those sandwich places always make the sandwiches so big”

Me: “Who ever said that either the Mexican place or the sandwich place was a chain restaurant?”

Dad: “Well I don’t care where we go”

Me: “Fine, we’ll go to the sandwich place since we're halfway there.”

Dad: “I just didn’t want you to have to drive so much, since you’d been working and probably tired” (backpedaling?)

Me: “I only worked four hours today, and it’s not like this is a big town to drive around”

Dad: “It’s big to me”

Me: “Okay, dad you win…it’s a big town”

Dad: “I think any town that has a freeway is big”

He managed to order the only thing on the menu that wasn't a sandwich and let clarify something…he lives in Las Vegas. Although the city proper only has a population of around 575,000, Clark County, which mainly consists of Las Vegas is approaching (or has pasted) the 2 million mark. And where I live, we talking just over 200,000...dealing with him was pretty much like this the whole weekend, occasional sprinkled with some sarcastic comments, and unfortunately they were never clever. Also, he kept smoking in the courtyard and in front of the kids when I asked him not to. Whenever we said anything, he would go off about how cancer due to second hand smoke has not been proven. Okay, asshole, second hand smoke aside, you are modeling behavior I don’t want my kids to see, you smell like ass and I asked you not to and since you are a guest in my home you should respect that.

And, there's my mom who spent the weekend in her guest room reading the latest Ann Coulter book, I think someone forgot to tell my mom she’s Mexican. Last time she was here she wanted to pick up a Dr. Laura book called something like “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” (sound like a great white elephant gift), she backed off when I reminder that she didn’t even like her husband (Can I blame her? he’s an ass that smell like smoke).

On a high note, yesterday on the way home from work/school, my older son (3 yrs old) was playing with his little brother (13 weeks old) in the back seat. Talking to him sweetly, he said, “Ah, you’re a little idiot”. I had to explain to him that was not a nice thing to say, to which he defended himself, saying Nat (a classmate) said it was a good word.

2006-07-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

Hehe...they said Jackass.

The Avenging Unicorn’s Rides #1

2006-06-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

After the furniture fiasco, I busted out the AVENGING UNICORN, courtesy of my fiend, I mean friend, Cladeedah…below are some pictures of the unicorn taking on what I’ve dubbed sales clerk/customer service rep figure. Since I have lots of anger and plenty of people piss me off, the name of those who are being punished for their misdeeds will change as needed. You will notice in the picture that the avenging took place on the lemon green sectional, and the unicorn is up on her (I’ve decided she’s a girl) back legs, similar to the old school Broncos logo. It’s a victory stance for a job well done.

So, the husband and I were trying to come up with a name for the Unicorn…any thoughts on the topic?

RC Willey Fuckers…

2006-06-15T16:30:00.000-07:00

I had a crappy experience with RC Willey and it keeps getting worse…there’s a lot of detail in this story that could run on for days, so I’ll just provide the highlights:
1. Bought a five piece sectional for a little over $3300 (paid for ½ with our bank card and financed the other ½ on a RC Willey account, this will be relevant later).
2. It was delivered with only four pieces.
3. It broke after one week.
4. When I called the store to get it fixed, the customer service department told me I had to speak to the sales associate I bought it from and the sales associate told me I had to talk to customer service.
5. We get it repaired and it breaks again the same day.
6. Decide to return sectional for an exchange, go to store and original sales associate avoids us like the plague, unfortunately she is who we have to work with for the exchange to occur.
7. Finally get her to help us (via harassment from other sales associates), and we pick out a new couch and request some changes to bring down the price (i.e. cloth instead of leather and no sleeper) and she informs us that will take 6-8 weeks, it’s a special order so it will cost more and it is likely that the material on the special order pieces will not match the material of the pieces that are in stock, then hands us a sales order, that does not include the changes we requested, for $3600…and leaves telling us if we needed anything else go to customer service.
8. Pissed off, we go to customer service and tell them to come get the sectional and we want our $ back…it takes like 45 minutes for them to work up the refund paperwork, which will not be effective until after they pick up the sectional.
9. They pick up the sectional and after a couple of days call to ask for the bank card # so they can refund our $...the next day I check the RC Willey account and the bank account, the half whit handling the transaction refunded the full amount to the RC Willey account.
10. Call customer service and ask to speak to a manager 3 times only to be told straight out “No”. And have to deal with a bitter snatch to get the accounts corrected.
11. Called back on the main line and get transferred to customer service manager and tell her about the half whit and bitter snatch that she has working for her.
12. Write letter to RC Willey HQ in Utah, Berkshire Hathaway (RC Willey parent company) and the furniture and customer service managers at the local store telling them what kind of assholes work for them.

Below are pictures of the offending sectional...note the rug we purchased to go with the couch that we also had to return, thankfully it was to a diffent store and took all of two minutes.

Tree Killer

2006-06-13T15:34:00.000-07:00

The only plants that I’ve been able to keep alive, in my house, for more then a few months have been a couple of aloe plants that have been hanging out by the kitchen window. Now, I’ve taken plant killing to a new level with the pine tree in my front yard, the thing was about the size of a two story house and I managed to kill it. Okay, I didn’t kill it; bark beetles did, but its untimely death has done nothing for my plant growing self esteem. Check out the pics below of its remains scattered about my front yard.

Different Poop, Different Day

2006-06-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

I saw The Break Up this weekend and it totally made me cry (I’m such a puss). Okay, so it’s not getting the best reviews but what the hell do people expect? This movie is by no means Oscar material, but it’s entertaining. I’d give it a B+. I’m pretty sure that my husband was the inspiration for the Vince Vaughn character. We’ve totally had the same arguments for the same reasons.

Speaking of the spouse, he took our older son to see a Dora the Explorer stage show today. I got great seats for the performance by waiting for the last moment. Here’s a tip of ya’ll. Most any theater keeps the prime seats on reserve for several reasons, special guest, for the performers family, etc. But, if it turns out the seats are not going to be used they release them for public sale as the date of the event nears. Yesterday they released seats for the Dora performance which included ones that were 6 rows back and dead center, and were we able to purchase them today. They do these releases daily, so it’s hit or miss on getting them. I did the same thing for a performance of the Lion King in Sac. You can usually call the box office and ask when they do releases, most occur daily at noon. The only thing that sucks is that it can be hard to make plans if you don’t have tickets for sure. That’s why I only take this route if I’ve totally forgotten to get tickets early and won’t be completely upset if I miss the given performance.

I was planning on taking our son to the show, but we had a little incident yesterday so we thought it was best that I stay home with the baby. When I was out at the movie, my husband was watching the boys and gave the newbie a bottle of formula, which is no big deal. But, he let the kid suck down three ounces in a matter of minutes without forcing breaks for burping. The end result was our 6 week old doing a Linda Blair impersonation all afternoon. Poor baby was so sad, it was rather heartbreaking. Most of the puke ended up on me, so you guess how happy I was with the situation. On the other side of the coin, the baby just had a diaper blow out and my husband didn’t notice until after he picked him up. Poop all over the bouncy, my husband's shirt and his hand…gotta go clean.

Sock Chip…

2006-05-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

Sweet Coalminer, you are correct, I am not that busy. I’ve been entertaining the family that has come to pay homage to the new addition. As they do not know about this blog, I tend to ignore it when anyone comes to visit. So, updates.

We got little man’s winky snipped last week, which I totally hate. I have no idea what the heck I’m supposed to be doing to care for this thing and any thing that varies about it my husband completely freaks out about. I assume it’s a man thing, but if I get called to the other room to look at and assess my little one’s junk again, I will scream.

Also, home fry has colic. So, on a bad night I sleep for about two hours total, broken into 15 minute increments. Being that I’m a generally angry person, when you add that fact that I’m not sleeping, I become quite the peach. For some reason, I assume resentment; it makes me more patient with my children and more frustrated with the spouse. The man can sleep through anything. Usually the only thing that calms the baby down is the breast, so it’s chichi to the rescue. To help lessen the problem I’ve had to cut out any foods with flavor, which isn’t such a big deal and has helped in the weight loss process. My mom was visiting this last week and has hypertension and diabetes, so I just stuck to her diet, which was convenient. And on top of that, he has a raging case of baby acne.

Big brother is doing well with the addition. We did A LOT of prep work on getting him ready to little brother and the adjustment has been smooth. Since the little one just eats, sleeps and poops, we are still focusing most of our attention on big brother. Yesterday, all four of us went to see “Over the Hedge”, which was really cute and funny. The little one got fussy in the beginning, but with a little cradle-butt patting action we got through it in fine form. After the movie, we went to “Tacos Del Mar” for lunch. During the meal my husband dropped a chip and it landed on his sock. He picked it up, looked around the restaurant to see if anyone notice what he was doing and then ate the sock chip…I kiss this man. I totally called him on it, to which he defended his behavior. I pointed out that if it was socially acceptable he wouldn’t have scanned the restaurant for clearance to eat it.

Big brother also got a tube removed from his ear today, talk about traumatic. He recovered after about 5 minutes, but I think my husband and I will be scarred for life. While we were at the ENT my husband had his hearing checked. This appointment was made because he claims that he has trouble hearing me. But, it turns out that he has abnormally good hearing and just isn’t paying attention to anything I say. As a bonus, the doctor also said that the reason for my husband’s snoring is due to allergies most likely created by letting the dogs sleep in our room. I’ve been trying to get those stinky farters out for a while now, but to no avail. It figures that I can piss and moan about it for a couple of years and my husband will hearing nothing of it, but find out that it is bad for him (i.e. he wakes up tired due to snoring and broken sleep) and he’s talking about moving them to the garage at night before we get out of the parking lot at the doctor’s office.

On a sad note, I thought I lost my cell phone last week and replaced it with a Razor to the tune of $350. And wouldn’t you know it; I found my old phone later that day. So, today I took back the Razor, but I really really liked it and am sad.

TADA!

2006-04-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

You asked for it...

In this picture we see baby CJ being plucked from my womb...notice he is only halfway out of my body.

And here we have the only face shot of my new son that will ever be posted on-line. I figure he's changing so quickly that he already looks different from this picture, for example the long cord is no longer attached and he's not covered in that white stuff any longer. Also, I think that might be a interal organ in the background, but I'm not sure.

Lazy bones

2006-04-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

Only a few more weeks till I deliver and getting around is getting hard. My famdamly comes to town next week, well, some of them. My husband will literally be surrounded by women, but I’m sure he won’t mind, they tend to wait on him in a way I never do…they think I’m mean and pick on him. To a certain extent they are correct, but the man does have it coming. He promises that he’ll help me get the house ready for their visit, since I have cankles and a pulled groin muscle, we will see. Nothing much exciting going on around here…I made one of my employees cry at work yesterday, but it was more because she was having a bad day then anything I did/said. I tried to convince the spouse that I was going into labor earlier today as an April’s fool joke, but his lack of concern about anything not related to him resulted (he changed the subject to cartoons) in it not having much impact. My son has been cracking me up lately; the other day driving home he started singing his version of BaBa Black Sheep… “BaBa Black Sheep, any any wool, yes sir, yes sir, three fool.” Along with that he’s added to his repertoire, “Get up off that thing”, “No Woman, No Cry”, “Ring of Fire” and “Don’t go breaking my heart”. He’s only three.

At my last doctor’s visit, she said that I had been approved for a tubal if I wanted on…okay, I’m like 28 yrs old…let’s not get ahead of the game here. We’re pretty sure that this will be our last child, but I don’t want to eliminate the possibility altogether. Also, while they are in there plucking the baby out (I’m having a c-section) they might have to take out part of my left ovary…the one with the previously mentioned cyst. Along as I have one, I’m content, I just don’t want to lose both and end up on hormone therapy at 28. With my luck, they will accidentally give me the tubal anyway and take both ovaries…and a kidney to boot.

As long as it’s not Duke…

2006-03-24T21:25:00.000-08:00

I really don’t care who wins the NCAA tournament, as long as it’s not Duke (so happy LSU gave them the boot). Why? Because back in the day, Duke was the team that beat the Rebels in the 1991 NCAA Semifinals, and then went on to win the tournament beating Kansas. And in 1990 they were the team that the Rebels beat to win the tournament. Now, do I even like the Rebels, no…back in 1990-1991, when I was in 7th and 8th grade, I did get into the hoopla that engulfed my hometown, but really I was indifferent about the Rebels in general. Then I went to college at UNLV’s instate rival, and now pretty much loath the Rebels, but for some sick reason, I still can’t stand the Blue Devils. I think it is a testament to my ability to hold a grudge. Probably not the most constructive use of energy, but I was born in the year of the snake and snakes never forget…

So hard being so right...

2006-03-13T20:50:00.000-08:00

The husband and I got in a fight last night, and for some reason, today he is denying it happened, but whatever. Actually, I guess it wasn’t a fight; I was more me getting really really mad at him. Anyway, when I left the room to go potty, I came back to find him cleaning…thanks for proving my point mentioned in my post from Saturday (which he did read), that you only clean when we fight. And to prove he does a less then spectacular job, he loaded the dishwasher but didn’t run it and managed to misplace a Costco size (no joke they are Kirkland brand) box of dog biscuits in his “cleaning” frenzy. Since I’m still pissed and a bitch to boot, I made a snotty comment about him mindlessly moving shit around, to which he retorted that it wasn’t mindless. Okay, but two minutes ago you said that you didn’t even remember touching the box…sounds like a lot of thought went into your decision to relocate it.

To add to my rant

2006-03-11T21:16:00.000-08:00

I just found out that a certain someone, how shall remain nameless, thought it would be a good idea to email a picture that included my son along with an a form that has my home address on it to a bunch of strangers. And the topper is, this person always says that I'm hyper vigiliant when it comes to my son. Okay genius, if you know I'm hyper vigiliant on what planet do you think I would be okay with you sending strangers a picture of my son and my home address....can we say photoshop?

If you have nothing nice to say…

2006-03-11T15:44:00.000-08:00

So, I’ve been lazy about updating this week, but mainly because I’ve had nothing nice to say. Instead I’ll bitch.

About two weeks ago I pull a groin muscle getting into my car and haven’t been right since. Basically, if I sit for too long I walk funny when I get up, it’s uncomfortable to lie on my sides (and sleeping on your left side is best when you are pregnant), and in order to get to sleep I have to prop every appendage with pillows and convince myself that I’m not in complete pain. As my husband put it…I broke my vagina.

Also, my feet have started to swell, another lovely side effect of pregnancy. I was hoping to pump enough water into my system that this wouldn’t be a problem, but I guess I wasn’t diligent.

Everywhere I go people want to take pictures of me…okay ass holes, I’m cranky, bloated and in pain…I don’t care if you want to remember my pregnancy, get the fucking camera out of my face.

I have too much going on at work and not enough time to get it all done. Everyone is freaking out because I’ll be off of work for so long (about 12 weeks, love that FMLA). So, I have all these requests to conduct trainings and set up meetings before I leave, and I still have to do my regular work. When I comes down to it, I know that I will not be able to be completely away from work, as it is I’ve already been set up so that I can get into my work G & H drives, email and HR system from home. Coupled with the fact that I do own a phone and fax machine, I pretty sure that I’ll be working from home.

My house is a mess and there’s not much I can do about it. Between the groin pull and swollen feet, I’ve been told to take it easy. Since my husband hasn’t been coming with me to doctor’s appointment, I’m pretty sure that he thinks I’m full of shit on this topic. Which means my house looks like the city dump. I have family coming to town in early April for a baby shower, and my mother-in-law staying with us for a week when the baby is born. My husband only cleans when we have a fight about it, and even then he does a less then spectacular job. The only thing that really annoys me about this is the fact that I know his mother will lecture me about the house and then proceed to talk shit about me to other family members. She holds her son accountable for nothing and he is more then happy to jump on that band wagon.

I think that about covers it.

Oscar Picks

2006-03-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, before mommy-hood, my husband and I used to see all the movies nominated for best picture prior to the Oscars. Not so much anymore. But, we still do fill out Oscar ballots just to make the award show a little interesting; it’s the Nevada in us. Anyway, here are my Oscar picks, for what I consider major categories this year. Keep in mind; I pretty much haven’t seen any of the movies/performances in question.

Actor-Leading
Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Capote) – The man is way overdue, he should have gotten one for Boogie Nights when he cried in the car and called himself a “fucking idiot”.

Actor-Supporting
Paul Giamatti (Cinderella Man) – Actually I think it would be cool for Matt Dillion to win in this category, but I just don’t think it’s going to happen. And, Paul Giamatti got screwed for Sideways last year, so I think this will make up for it (“If anyone orders merlot I'm leaving”).

Actress-Leading
Felicity Huffman (Transamerica) – The only performance that I’ve seen in the category is Reese Witherspoon in Walk the Line, although I like the movie, I don’t think its Oscar worthy, but I hear good things about Felicity Huffman, so might as well go with it.

Actress-Supporting
Amy Adams (Junebug) – Because she’s the first one listed on the ballot and she was in Drop Dead Gorgeous, which is so funny.

Animated Feature
Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit – My son likes it.

Art Direction
Good Night, and Good Luck – Just because I like movies in black and white, Dead Man is one of my favorite.

Cinematography

Batman Begins or Brokeback Mountain – I don’t think they will give it to Batman Begins because of the type of movie it is, but the scenes were he learning from Ra's Al-Ghul are sweet. I’m guessing it will go to Brokeback Mountain, which also has some wonderful Cinematography.

Costume Design
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Dressing Oompa-Loompas must to be hard.

Directing
Munich –Spielberg for the sake of begin Spielberg.

Makeup
Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith – Nuff Said.

Original Score
Brokeback Mountain – It’s everywhere.

Original Song
“It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” (Hustle & Flow) – It has to win, the word “pimp” is in the title.

Best Picture
Brokeback Mountain – There might actually be rioting on the streets if it doesn’t win. But, don’t fear it will be gay men rioting, so that means they’ll be milling around making caddy comments about people’s clothes and some possible slap fights.

Screen Play – Adapted
The Constant Gardener – There was a lot of hype about this movie, so I’ll give it to them.

Screen Play – Original
Good Night, And Good Luck – They have to give Clooney something, I mean the guy was nominated in three categories. It’s the “Good Will Hunting” Award, we’re not going to give you anything for your performance but we love the why you type.

Soy un perdedor

2006-03-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

Why? If you know me you don’t have to ask, but incase you were wondering…

1. I had to go into work today (my day off) for a meeting, when I got back to my office I stopped by the little girl’s room so I could relieve my ever shrinking bladder. As I was taking off my coat in the bathroom stall I managed to get part of it in the toilet (same coat I puked on New Year’s Eve, yes it had been cleaned).

2. So, I gathered my potty coat and headed outside into the snow (no I did not put the potty coat on). I had plans to meet a couple of girl friends for lunch at a local Mexican restaurant. I get there a little early, ordered an ice tea and started looking over a menu, when I finally notice that they were really late. I called friend #1 whose number I know off the top of my head and it turns out that friend #2 had emailed canceling lunch, while I was as the meeting earlier, because she had to pick up Girl Scout cookies (WTF).

3. I decided to stay and have lunch anyway, but had to tell the waiter that I was basically stood up. So, I had my “crying pig” all alone at a table for four. Just me, my pig and three glasses of water.

This...

2006-03-01T16:06:00.000-08:00

would never have happened if beating your children was socially acceptable. Okay, I'm not for child abuse, but I hope the kid got at least a good talking to and revoked rights to his newest Playstation.

WTF

2006-02-28T13:28:00.000-08:00

The new lady at my work was eating a corn dog for breakfast this morning...

Crazy Jesus

2006-02-27T13:01:00.000-08:00

Back in December I wrote about the bizarre gifts my mother gives out during the holidays, and at that time I mentioned a pictured called “Jesus Laughing”. Well, recently my son knocked it off the shelf it was collecting dust on and the glass broke (DAMN!). Now, I’m trying to decide the deeper meaning of this incident. Does my son have a sense of how creepy this picture of the “crazy Jesus” was and sought out to destroy the "cackling Christ"? Or, does my son have something against the "laughing Lamb of God", which foreshadows sinister behavior to come? Or, does this have no meaning other they pointing out my son is klutzy?

This is...

2006-02-23T10:51:00.000-08:00

how I feel, I hope to god this isn't how I look.

Fear…

2006-02-20T21:44:00.000-08:00

I got your regular run of the mill fears, you know heights, burning to death, swimming in open water where the unknown can nip at your feet (I always imagine its one of those elusive giant squids). My current fear is that I will create some kind of esteem issues in baby boy number two (due in late April), because of what a joy baby boy number one is. I try not to be too obnoxious mom, but the boy is awesome. He’s a happy, smart, sweet, adorable, attentive little boy. I’m pretty sure it has noting to do with me or the spouse, and everyone is already telling me that I will not be so lucky this time around. Am I already setting this baby up for a life of comparison? Being the youngest of eight, I know what its like to be compared to older siblings, but I didn’t mind it because the majority of them sucked. As long as I avoided jail, drugs and pregnancy, I was a model child.

Ouch!

2006-02-14T14:02:00.000-08:00

My baby has an “ouch”. He was at “school” on Friday and fell on the playground and I guess given the way that he went down, he almost completely tore off one of his finger nails. It tore from below the cuticle and was bleeding pretty bad. So, I took him to the emergency room and after seeing the triage nurse they fast tracked to see a doctor. My poor little boy kept telling me that he was scared…I wanted to cry. The doctor decided that it was best to take the nail (it was literally just hanging on), remove it, reinsert it under his cuticle and then put in some stitches to keep it in place. I’m not one to sugar coat things when it comes to pain, so I explained to him what was going to happen, keep in mind he’s only 3, and that it was going to hurt a lot. They basically wrapped him up, accept for the injured hand, so he wouldn’t move too much and then numbed his finger with a couple of shots, which was the most traumatic part of the whole process. I sat at the top of the hospital bed and talked to him while they were doing their thing, my husband was standing in the corner looking like he might throw up or pass out. Anyway, its been a couple of days now and he’s able to go the whole day with out any pain medicine and is being very good about making sure that he doesn’t hit it on anything. We clean and wrap it every night and it is starting to look better…here’s a fuzzy picture I took of it last night with my camera phone.

Hard Candy ;-)

2006-02-14T08:51:00.000-08:00

Your Candy Heart Says "Cutie Pie"

You always seem to have a hot date, even though you never try to meet anyone.
A total charmer, you have a natural appeal that keeps you in high demand.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: multiple dates with multiple people

Your flirting style: 100% natural

What turns you off: serious relationship talks

Why you're hot: you're totally addicting

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Yuck!

2006-02-13T16:47:00.000-08:00

So going to the park with the family yesterday and as we approached the playground we were greeted with this sight.

Can we say ugly? A little plumber action is usually pretty fun, but this was just gross. And to make it worse, the chick has the foulest mouth. Evidently, she got the short end of the personality and looks sticks. Hopefully, she either comes from a family with means or has an industrial accident (preferable involving a belt and a pair of pants that fit) that provides her with some kind of financial stability, cause with a mouth and appearance like that no one in their right mind would hire or marry her. The topper is that her butt crack ass was sitting right next to the play ground, so I’m pretty sure there are some toddlers who were playing there that day who added the word “fuck” to their vocabulary.

I shouldn't laugh.

2006-02-12T14:12:00.000-08:00

Everybody run Cheney's got a gun...

Blah, Blah, Blah...

2006-02-03T13:04:00.000-08:00

So, I took the pic on the way home from work the other day. If feel kinda bad for the person living in the “old house” were you can park in the “at alley”. I must suck having your house referred to as old on a very public sign.

Also, the other night the spouse and I were watching the AI auditions from Austin, TX. When there was this guy singing “I can’t make you love me”. He stated that he was a music major studying at Texas A&M. Anyway, he get to the line “Just hold me close, don't patronize. Don't patronize me.” And both times he said “patronize” he pronounced it with the meaning “being a customer”, rather then “being condescending”, as intended in the song. The husband totally caught it, I had to rewind to see it again.

Red Hat Society

2006-02-01T13:14:00.000-08:00

I went to the mall at lunch to pick up a gift for one of my employees. I was waiting for the girl at the Mrs. Fields counter to finish writing on the cookie card when I notice that the food court was covered with these people…

I’m pretty sure they are like a sorority for older ladies; I was never into the sorority thing in college. But, it made me laugh.

Neurotic…

2006-01-30T11:04:00.000-08:00

People have been saying it about me for years. I think with my purchase the weekend of 7 smoke/CO detectors I have proven them right. Our house is about 2500 sq. feet, which is a decent size, but by no means large. With my heightened pregnancy sense of smell, I’m convinced that I always smell smoke (this comes in handy when there’s a fire or gas leak, but not so much when there’s a skunk in the neighborhood), which I probably am considering it is wood burning season. Anyway, since my beautiful little boy sleeps in his own room I decided we need to install more alarms just to be on the safe side. So, we got one for each bedroom and two for the hallway. This coupled with the security system, some firearms, two dogs, and a husband whose size generally insights fear, I’m feeling pretty safe. My next project is to get motion lights in the back and side yards.

Too much Smallville

2006-01-25T16:35:00.000-08:00

We have one of those blockbuster movie passes were you pay a flat rate each month and get as many movies as you want (like Netflicks, but in store). My husband has decided to watch every season of Smallville available, which is totally cool, hell I’ve even enjoyed a couple. But after last night, I think he might be developing a Superman complex.

We were at a local high school basketball game watching a couple of his cousins’ play. When halfway through the 4th quarter, a wrestling match over the ball broke out, which quickly turned to players pushing each other and coaches, athletic directors, referees and teachers took care of the situation. We were sitting by the home teams locker room door and one of their players who was directly involved in the incident was escorted to the locker room and some of his team mates followed. Okay, so here’s where we’re at the visiting team is on their side of the court away from the home team, the couple of home team players are really upset and have been hulled off to the locker room, and school administrators are handling the handful of students who are getting pumped up over the situation. When all of a sudden I look over and see that my husband has jumped out of the stands and is standing by the path leading to the home team’s locker room doing his version of crowd calming, which resembles the “Angles in the Outfield” signal, without so much flap. I sitting in the stand (almost seven month pregnant mind you) with my three year old son and a bunch of my husbands family trying to figure out what the hell he was doing. Finally, I get his attention and get his ass back in the stands. After waiting about half an hour for them to figure out the situation, we decided to leave as it was getting late and we needed to get our son ready for bed. When we got to the car, I asked him what he thought he was doing. For what I understand, he was trying to be prepared incase people started swinging to pull them apart. Okay, where do I begin with the issues I have with this?
1. By the time he dragged his ass out there the excitement was over, so what the hell.
2. Yea, there are people paid to do that kind of crap already at the game, and I don’t think they need your help.
3. And if you were to wrestle some 15 year old to the ground what kind of liability are you put yourself in.
4. Do you really want your three year old son to see you in a wrestling match with a bunch of high schoolers.

Needless to say I was a little annoyed and I think it might do him some good to lay off the Smallville.

Ghost of parties past…

2006-01-23T18:45:00.000-08:00

There have been those parties where I’ve been so shit faced and embarrassed myself, that I thought for sure "this will come and haunt me", you know ruin any aspiration of becoming Nevada’s first female Governor (although if I start a lounge act I think my chances of becoming Lieutenant Governor increase exponentially). Never in a million years did I think the party that would revisit me would be from 1986, when I was 9 years old. So, I have a group of girl friends that I went to college with that are the types of friends that you can say anything to. You know the kind that you can strike up a conversation about anal bleaching or openly molest and there’s no question that it’s normal for that group. We have a yahoo group and send mass emails to each other via this medium. I started getting ones this weekend regarding a picture that I was supposedly in, but I had no idea what they were talking about. I went to work this morning and there was another email mentioning this mysterious picture…then I realized that my work email must have automatically moving it to my junk mail folder (sorry cla-cla, guess the company IS department doesn’t love ya much). It turns out an old friend has posted a costume party picture from 1986 on another friends myspace profile. Then the evil Cla-Cla got a hold of it and sent it out to the college girls and my husband. Oh well, it’s pretty funny and I totally remember that party and taking that picture. I cropped most of the people out; accept myself and the two people who were part of the myspace exchange. I'm the one in the shadow.

Very Bitter Monkey

2006-01-19T16:16:00.000-08:00

So this is a bitch about the husband…I had to renew the registration on my car last month, and when my husband put the new sticker on my car he noticed the sticker on his truck had expired. He didn’t remember getting a renewal notice, but whatever. So, off he trots to the local oil change hut to get a smog check and wouldn’t you know it the truck fails. Now, be aware, this is not some crusty old beater. It’s a 2003 Dodge truck. So, why did it fail? Because the check engine light that has been on since this summer caused an automatic fail. After months of me nagging to take in to the dealership, my husband is forced to because he needs to get whatever fixed so that it will pass a smog test and we can get it register. And what was wrong? The air conditioning had basically burnt out. There were two options, (A) repair the air condition system or (B) bypass the system and reset the engine light so that the truck will pass the smog test. My husband choose option A, and $950 later the truck was fixed and passed the test. On a side note, my husband did make the statement that he had noticed this pass summer when he used the air conditioner it only spewed hot air…Hello!!! Time to get that checked. Okay, so smog is done, let’s get on-line and register it, right? Nope, since he has no idea where the renewal notice is he doesn’t have the code so we can’t do it on-line. But, no worries his friend at work told him that he can do it over the phone. Off he goes to make the call, when what happens? They tell him there is a problem with his insurance, from what they can tell it has lapsed. So, he rips through his car and can find every other insurance card he has ever had for the car, but the most recent. But then again, he forgot that we just got his new one in the mail and I put it next to where he keeps his wallet and keys so that he would remember to put it in his car. So, he goes through there and can’t find it, yet funny enough when I look I find it. And wouldn’t you know it the new card is future dated and doesn’t take effect for about a week, so still no insurance card. Next step, call the insurance company and have them send a copy of the card, but they are changing computer systems and having a hard time locating the old policy. So, we get to today, by this time the new insurance card is effective and since it is my day off, I am asked to renew the registration at the local DMV. I am told by the spouse that it should not be a problem since the card is now current and he talked to the insurance people and if there are any issues to just call them. So, I wait in line 30 minutes just to get a number, wouldn’t you know it they won’t give me a number because of the “lapse” in insurance. So, I call the insurance company, and they send over the verification, but for whatever bizarre reason the old and the new policy are in Arizona, and I still can not register the car (but in the past it was an Arizona policy and there was not issue!?!). Here I sit, after stupidly believing my husband had straighten all his shit out, having spent the day either in line at the DMV or on the phone with the insurance people, and still no registration. Any wonder why I’m a very bitter monkey.

These rock...

2006-01-15T21:01:00.000-08:00

I saw a pair of these on Best Week Ever, but there were black and the saying was on the backside...hehe...fellows, it also comes in a belt buckle.

Also...
Things I wonder about…anyone care to shed some light?

1. Do people who have a lot of anal sex (or just things in their ass in general) later on in life have issue with controlling bowel movements?
2. Is here such a thing as a nut lift, for those who have really low hanging balls?
3. If there are guys out there bendy enough to give themselves a BJ, can they concentrate long enough to finish the job?

I feel like a moose

2006-01-14T21:51:00.000-08:00

So, I’m twenty four weeks along, but wouldn’t you know it…the bean is measuring 25 weeks. Figures, that’s what I get for procreating with a beast. Only thing that is comforting is that my breast still stick out further then my stomach, but I don’t know how long that’s going to last. To make matters worse I’ve had a damn cough for about a month now and it’s not getting better. I went to the doctor’s on Thursday and they reassured me that there was nothing wrong; I just had a lingering cough from an upper repertory infection. In the mean time I’m wondering if I could give the bean shaken baby syndrome from coughing so much. On the bright side, the basement of our rental property flooded over New Year’s weekend and now we are in the middle of a costly repair on the house. Yes folks, 2006 is looking might fine. I’m hoping that next week I get Bismarcked by a gang of Santa’s elves on a post-Christmas vacation.

Wish I had a camera

2006-01-12T19:33:00.000-08:00

So, I picked my husband up from work today, since his car was in “the shop”. On our way out of the industrial Mecca where he works, we saw the funniest sight. A UPS brown van pulled off to the side of the road with a trail of boxes and big envelops behind it. As we passed it we saw the poor driver in his little shorts running to pick the stuff up and to top it off a FEDEX truck was passing him going the other direction. It was the kind of crap commercials are made of.

Such a Hobo…

2006-01-10T12:57:00.000-08:00

I’ve been so bad about writing lately. I’m pretty sure I’m nesting, and obsessing about the new baby that I haven’t had much time for anything else. Also, not much exciting stuff has been going on (other then me turning friends on to the addictive “Project Runway”).

I had a sonogram last week and found out that I still have that darn ovarian cyst. I had a feeling it was still there, but since the pain wasn’t as intense as it was at first I just ignored the whole thing. You’d think that I would have learned from past experiences (salmonella poisoning, a kidney stone, pre-term back labor…which all feel pretty much the same) that that kind of pain is usually an indicator of much worse. Right now it is 4cm, back up from the 2cm it was last time we checked, but the doctors office said that they don’t get concerned until it hits the 5-7cm mark. I fear that they will put me on bed rest, a road that I have been down before and wish not to visit again.

At work, I am getting ready to change offices. There’s been some movement in the building and our department is taking over a large part of the empty space. So, today has been filled with me listening to maintenance guys move crap and paint walls. Although, I did get to enjoy some older fellow try to crack jokes about “banging studs” to several of his uninterested 20 something colleagues. Maybe if I’m lucky, they’ll be back tomorrow.

I puked

2006-01-04T08:45:00.000-08:00

Once in college I got really drunk on cheap wine and kept puking on myself. Not since then had I had that kind of incident…until recently. New Year’s Eve I was out with some friends and strangers at a local sushi bar. Keep in mind that I am pregnant, so of course I wasn’t eating raw anything or partaking of the sake that was flowing. But, I’ve had a cough that been lingering for about a week, so I did have a bit of hot tea, about four cups to be exact. So, at about 8:30 pm I start heading home while the rest of the gang took their chances in the flooded down town streets of my quaint little mountain town. I called my husband on the way home to ask if he wanted me to get him something to eat, since I know that when I’m not there he doesn’t feed himself. Mid-conversation I start having a coughing fit…and that when it happened…

I puked tea all down the front of me, while driving down the street talking on the cell phone. Once I regained what little composure I could mustard, I told my husband what happened and he suggested that I just get home ASAP. The really odd thing is that all that came out was the tea…no rice, no seaweed, no fish…just tea.

To busy to write about before update.

2005-12-29T14:45:00.000-08:00

Last week was the Christmas Holiday Party at work and the time when you have to kiss ass to all the right people in the form of a gift. Usually, I do a little something for everyone in the department (24 people), but I just didn’t have the time and energy this year. So, I just stuck to my employees and my boss. But, when I got to work two other managers had gifts waiting for me. Damn, now I had to figure out what to get them. Thankfully, I had forgotten my present for the gift swap (I know, don’t you wish your job a fun like mine), so I raced home before the festivities to grab the gift I had forgotten and scrounge together something to give the other managers. Since I have a habit I buying all kinds of crap at Crate ‘N Barrel or Pottery Barn after Christmas sales it was pretty easy. One lady got a bottle of wine, because I like her, the other got a set of holiday dish towels. I also decided to give the other two managers in my department gift, that was so it wasn’t obvious that I was just trying to make up for the fact that they had gotten me something. The only male got a set of candy cane stripped candle, (I know candles are kinda lame, especially for a guy, but it was either that or a holiday mug and coco) and the other female got a cookbook. After everything was all said it done I think it turned out pretty well.

So, a couple of Fridays ago my mom had a layover in town on the way to Washington and we had breakfast, chit chatted and she gave me gifts for the family. Since my car in always full of junk, my husband’s present got squished, and the gift was just about falling out of the box, so I told him he might as well open it. It was a big ass sweater, which is the standard. My spouse is 6’7” and weights about 280 lbs, and he usually where’s a XLT in a sweater, depending on the cut maybe a 2XLT. My mom busts out with a 3XLT for him, I think she’s the only person who buys him things that are too big for him. I’m pretty sure that she has a distorted perception on how big he really is; the fact that she’s about 5’5” (just a bit taller then me) might have something to do with it. Anyway, I came home a couple of days later and saw the other gifts she gave us sitting there and decided to open the one that was for the family (We always go out of town for Christmas, so there’s no real good time to open these things). What did I find? I framed picture titled “Jesus Laughing” (which kinda looks like my crazy brother chuckling...last year she gave us two framed $1 bills with John Kerry's and George Bush's faces painted over Washington's) and a DVD of a black/white 1955 movie entitled “Miracle of Mercelino” (mind you, it did win Grand Prize at the 1955 Cannes Film Festival). I’m not exactly the most unreligious person, in fact I consider myself to be rather spiritual, but I just don’t feel the need to advertise it. I think displaying faith through speech or material demeans it. Also, I don’t want to be one of those people who preach one thing and does another. I have this uber Christian lady I work with who spends her lunch reading the bible, and the rest of the time she’s the gossipiest bitch you’ve ever meant. In fact, she’s usually able to include references of hell and damnation in her hypocritical, self-righteous rants about other people. With regard to the gifts, I’m thinking next year’s white elephant party.

Yoda

2005-12-29T13:46:00.000-08:00

A venerated sage with vast power and knowledge, you gently guide forces around you while serving as a champion of the light.
Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not - for my ally is the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Life greets it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us, and binds us. Luminescent beings are we, not this crude matter! You must feel the Force around you, everywhere.
Yoda is a is a character in the Star Wars universe. More Yoda information is available at the Star Wars Databank.

You're so vain...

2005-12-18T18:44:00.000-08:00

I had to get a new ID for work and they said that the new system had my old picture in it, and asked if I just wanted a copy of it on my new card. Thinking it was a picture I took about five years ago, I agreed to use the old picture. Turns out it was a picture I took about 3 years ago when I was 9 months pregnant with my son...needless to say it sucks. Since we had to get new IDs because of the system upgrade, they were free, but after that initial ID there is a cost. Now I have to decide if I'm vain enough to shell out $7 for a new ID with a new picture. I know it’s not very much money, but for some reason the idea of getting a replacement gives me some guilt (damn catholic upbringing).

White Elephant

2005-12-15T14:30:00.000-08:00

Last weekend was the white elephant party that happens every year with a certain group of friends. One friend couldn’t make it because she said it was too expensive for her to travel, but turns out that was a big fat lie, but I’m not bitter…Anywho, we had a great time. Originally, I got gay porn magazines, but surprisingly someone stole it from me…even more surprising it was the husband of one of my girl friends who took it. I ended up with the gift that I brought, a cd I picked up just for the occasion (see below). My husband gave a Dr. Seuss DVD, we accidentally purchased two copies of the same movie for my son…oh well. He ended up with a bowl and pitcher set that he was rather pleased with. I think the best gift was the one received by Chesty McTickles…she got a copy of a very used porn movie (tons o’ cum #15) and an old cell phone.

Foggy days are here again...

2005-12-13T16:17:00.000-08:00

I left the house this morning and there was fog covering the city. I’ve lived here for 10 years and this is only the second time that I’ve seen it get so foggy. The first time was last year when all hell broke loose on the storm front. I hope this isn’t a precursor to another harsh winter, I don’t think that I could handle driving in the snow that much again. When I drive in bad weather, I become that person that everyone bitches about. I admit it, I suck, but I have to leave the house so there’s no getting around it.

Not hate, just frustrated love…

2005-12-11T23:42:00.000-08:00

So, when I first started this blog thing I would flip through random blogs and just check out what was out there. That is how I came across Christina’s 100 reasons why I hate my husband blog. I shared it with my husband and in total fear he asked me not to start a hate blog about him. Why would I? I don’t hate my husband, sometimes I may not like him a whole lot, sometimes I may threaten him with ceramic bowls (really it was only once), sometimes I may have to go away for a while so I don’t say really mean things, and sometimes I may think that I hate him, but really I don’t. For the most part I try to keep things on this blog pretty impersonal, but if I continue to do that…what’s the point. I can’t really talk about work, so that just leaves home life. And when it comes to home life, the best stories are about my husband. His own friends have asked him if he sees reality in cartoon format…which would explain a lot. For those who know him, they can appreciate where I’m coming from. So, now that I have justified it to myself, don’t be surprised if I include a little snippet about the old man every once in a while. The shits really funny and it makes me laugh…I guess its part of the reason why I love my husband.

In our bedroom, sleeps my husband, myself and our two dogs. Last night, at about 4 am, I awoke to my husband yelling at one of the dogs to be quite. Of course, this freaked the shit out of me. I asked him what the hell he was doing, to which he replied that the dog was whining (I assume bad doggie dream) and it was keeping him awake. Okay, so since you can’t sleep you wake my ass up. I don’t hear anything from the dog, I guess yelling at him worked. There I lay wide awake, while my husband begins to snore and the dogs breathe the heavy sounds of sleeping dogs. Needless to say, I was a little annoyed. So, this morning I asked him why he yelled, he said again that the dog was keeping him awake. I then asked was it necessary to wake me up, he said, “Oh sorry, I just assumed he was keep you up as well”. “Nope, I was asleep, next time check”…You won’t believe this just as I typed that last word, he came into my office (he was sleeping) and asked if we had an earthquake…mans on crazy pills. Well…since he’s up might see if I can get some ass.

Check this out...

2005-12-09T19:44:00.000-08:00

I came across this website a couple of years ago, and for some reason my husband and I were making jokes about it tonight. So, I thought that I would find it again to share with ya'll. Be sure to click on the pictures at the bottom of the bathe and multimedia links.

The things people do with thier time...

2005-12-09T18:11:00.000-08:00

but, I'm no better cause I read it.

Not impressed.

2005-12-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

So there's a News and Review reject that has cropped up named Chimpanzee. It's a monthly, feels like it's trying really hard to be edgy. Kidda Lame.

Yet another list.

2005-12-08T10:58:00.000-08:00

I’ve been on a list kick lately so why stop now.

The big cheese at work was teasing me yesterday because of all of my neurosis. And I have to admit that I do have several (notice I feel the need to explain them)…

1. Mysterious food. I work in an area where people are always bringing in food as a thank you and we have a couple of people who work here who love to cook and will bring in their latest dish. Usually, it is left in the break room and people pick at it, no questions asked. I won’t. I find it disturbing that people just blindly accept that the food is okay and go to town. The area I work in also has a lot of people who don’t like us, so I don’t want to be the victim of rat poison laced cookies.

2. Large objects mounted on the walls or ceiling. Growing up in LV, I think that I only felt one earthquake. They happen here somewhat regularly and I don’t want some 35” tv hanging on the wall at Sparky’s to fall on me. So, I won’t sit under or near anything that can crush me. For that matter, I don’t have a piece of furniture in my office that is above waist high and the only things hanging on my walls are my degrees.

3. I won’t drive at night during the winter. Once again I grew up in LV, if it snowed at all we got excited. So, when I moved here the winters took some getting used to. Well, the winter I was pregnant with my son, I was driving home from a meeting at about 9 pm, when I spun out on the black ice…won’t take the chance now.

4. I don’t like strangers touching me. I don’t know where you’ve been and don’t know what kind of crap you’re carrying. I think this is why I could never live in a big city and use public transportation; I would have to sit to close to strangers. Also, this is why I could never be a slut, I’d require any potential partner to have a lot of testing and provide a lot of background information to be intimate.

5. I’m afraid of the dark…well actually the dark outdoors. I think this comes from being a girl and having everyone warn me all my life about rapist lurking in dark bushes waiting to attack. Whatever the reason, I hate be outside alone at night.

Other then that I think I’m pretty normal. Unless, you count being disturbed by Wal-Marts as a neurosis.

Pet Peeves

2005-12-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

I saw this on someone else’s page and decided to steal it.

Pet Peeves

1. People who say that they went swimming with “the dolphins”. “The dolphins”…what the fuck is that? Is there just one pod that travels from place to place swimming with humans or are we talking about Dan Marino’s former crew? Either way it bugs me.

2. People who use words like irregardless and supposably.

3. People who don’t add a “ly” when they are suppose too…example: “Drive safe”, instead of “Drive safely”.

4. People who play tonsil hockey in public. I can handle and engage in conservative displays of affection in public, but I don’t want to see anyone taste their significant other’s lunch in front of me.

5. People who wear clothes that don’t fit them…guess what, if you’re oozing out the top of your jeans or I can see the outline of your appendectomy scar because your clothes are so tight, chances are that they are too small and you look like an idiot.

6. People who talk during movies…It doesn’t make you cool that you don’t care if you bother other people, it makes you obnoxious and annoying, and makes me pretty sure that you have an IQ lower then 60.

7. People who have used words or phrases like “that’s tight”, “that’s the bomb” or “bling”? It’s basically trendy speak, and like dressing trendy it screams of desperation for acceptance by some group of people that you’ve determined as the “in crowd”…it’s even worse if you are still doing this outside of high school. There are enough words in the English language that you don’t have to sound like an Aaron Carter reject.

8. Hairy female arm pits…just gross...not sure why…maybe I’m sexist…actually I don’t care to see anyone’s hairy pits.

9. Screaming girls…you know the ones who group together and freak out if a boy calls them, usually a group of adolescents…shut the fuck up, it’s not cute.

10. This ones really on one’s fault, but warm chairs and toilet sets. I know someone has sat there before me, but I hate being reminded.

10 Reasons why I'm a geek

2005-12-02T00:28:00.000-08:00

The other night I was heading home with my husband and son in tow, and listening to my favorite radio station 103.7 when a song that I love came on “Cherry Cherry”, by Neil Diamond. This happened right as my husband was about to say something, when he saw me turn up the radio and start “rocking out”, he cut himself short. After the song, I asked what he was going to say, when the told me “I was going to say that I removed this station from my car radio because it plays to much Neil Diamond, but since that song came on it sounds contrived.” So, I think of my husband as a pretty big dork, sure he played division I college football and masters pretty much any sport he tries, sure he’s 6’7” and can kick anyone’s butt, sure he’s hot and has an ass like a “jack hammer” (hehe…Letterman quote), but under it all he’s a computer tooling, video gaming, comic book reading dork. So, when he points out that a type of music that I might enjoy is considered by some as lame, I am faced with my geekdom. Let me give you my self identified 10 reasons why I’m a geek, understand that there are many more, but there is only so much I can write.

1. I listen to Neil Diamond and the Carpenters…and love it. Understand, I’m the youngest of 8 with a 20 year age gap between me and my oldest sibling. Their taste in music had a definite affect on me…and at least it’s not Tom Jones.
2. I kick ass at Jeopardy and record it. But, my husband takes part in this too.
3. My job requires me to know a butt load of state and federal regs and rules that I can recall at anytime, not only do I rock this…I actually enjoy it.
4. I’m so good at the card game “Pit” that people won’t play with me anymore.
5. In college I joined the nerdiest clubs and organizations that even my husband/then boyfriend made fun of me.
6. I’m so bad at backing out of parking spots its shocking that no one has been hurt.
7. I failed the first driving test I took.
8. In high school I carried around the world’s largest binder, and because of it I couldn’t fit actual books in my book bag.
9. I was the Virgin Mary in every freakin’ church/school play that I was in between the ages of 7 and 13.
10. I didn’t mind the catholic school uniforms that I wore for 12 years. In fact, I wish I still had to wear a uniform; it would make getting ready in the mornings so much easier.

Those who know me feel free to add or speculate.

Ass Bitting Cold…

2005-11-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

that’s what it is right now and it will only get colder. Why do I stay? Because my other option is to move to Vegas, which we know smell like ass and not to mention the fact that my crazy family is there. Speaking of crazy family, my visitors left Saturday evening to head back to Vegas. That was after I got a phone call from my hysterical sister, freaking out because her ex was in the OC with the kids for some pop warner football event and left the kids in the hotel room while he was in the lobby with other parents. Keep in mind the kids are 13 & 7 and they had an adjoining room with another family whose parents were in their room and knew he had stepped out. Either way, it that kind of insane phone call that makes me cringe at the thought of moving back to Vegas, because if I didn’t live so far away that crap would’ve ended up on my doorstep. After about half an hour of taking her down, I got off the phone in time to say good bye to my other sister as they started on their drive back to Vegas.

The visit was enjoyable, we took the kids to the rink down town and they went ice skating. Even my little boy gave it a try, but he’d rather sit on his butt and play with the ice shavings. On Friday, my husband and I had dinner at a Jazz Café downtown and saw Jarhead. The food was excellent and as were the scenes with Jake Gyllenhaal’s ass. Saturday we did some shopping, I got a new laptop at Best Buy to replace the one that died like a week after the warranty expired…damn you Fry’s. I also picked up some sweet white elephant gifts for a party that our friends have every year. Unfortunately, our one friend won’t be able to make it this year…she feeding me some nonsense about money and paying bill…and to add insult to injury she’s stealing the tradition and replicating in LV…but I’m not bitter.

Feasting…

2005-11-23T16:27:00.000-08:00

We are staying in town for Thanksgiving this year and we have some family and friends joining us to make our merry group grow from 3 to 11. As always, I am in charge of the majority of the cooking, which I actually enjoy and kick ass at…and “thankfully” the group that is joining us this year, usually feels compelled to pitch in by helping clean after the eatin’. The older I get the more fucked up I think this holiday is or at least the story that is presented to children about the history of turkey day. Pilgrims came to America and couldn't hack it on their own, so the Native American’s in the area took pity helped them thought the cold first winters and we eat this big ass meal in celebration this friendship. When do we get to the part about syphilis and the trail of tears? I bet those first couple of years where followed by thoughts of “shit, we should have let the fuckers starve”. I have a friend who’s family is on the fanatic side…they won’t celebrate Halloween because it’s evil or Christmas because it’s commercial. Everyone uses Thanksgiving as an opportunity to reflect on why they are thankful, but it could be a time to reflect on some fucked up things in history. I think I should make Thanksgiving placemats with a picture of Iron Eyes Cody crying and the caption “Do you want to give us disease and drive us off our land before or after the pumpkin pie?”

Can’t sleep…

2005-11-18T01:22:00.000-08:00

It’s after 1am and I’m still up. I took a little nap earlier in the day, and am sure that has something to do with it. But, there is something that has been on my mind. I was watching TV this morning and there was a story about Heidi Fleiss opening a brothel that staffs male hookers, which is something I’ve been talking about for years. Okay, I know that I would never have the resources or balls to do it, but I am somewhat disappointed that someone else is doing it. So, this must make me appear to be the biggest freak on the planet, but really it is just my business side kicking in, plus I do think that brothels have their place. Let’s face it, this is an industry that has been around forever, and it’s not going anywhere. I’d rather it be done in away that does not spread STDs, the prostitutes don’t have to be worried about being beaten by johns or vice versa, and we can tax the hell out of it. Also, there is the whole selfish “not in my backyard” aspect. Before they closed the Mustang, I hardly saw prostitutes in town, maybe I was just blind to it or hung out in the wrong locations, but I kid you not, the week after it closed the place was overflowing with streetwalkers. Anyway, Ms. Fleiss’ studs would be catering to women cliental, which has some potential, but I think she should have guys that “swing” both ways. Most women don’t need to go to a brothel to get some, but there might be some novelty and convenience factored into their decision to go, but I think that men would be more willing to seek out a male hooker. I mean you have some many different markets with men…the bi-curious young male who is not sure if he’s gay and want to check things out, the married man who is definitely in denial and likes to give/get bjs to celebrate milestone and the openly gay man who want to go for the novelty/convenience factor. Also, I think that she should have both male and female hookers, for those who want both and those who don’t want interested parties to know which gender prostitute they selected.

Ass Mouth

2005-11-14T14:51:00.000-08:00

I debated posting this to my new blog about the baby in my belly, but then decided that the topic of ass mouth is rather general and will make you ill regardless of pregnancy.

The industry that I work in demands a lot of interaction with the public, due to my position I do not deal people, face to face, on a daily basis. Rather, I am more like the puppet master pulling strings from behind the scenes. Anyway, one of the people I manage is the department receptionist. Occasionally, the person who covers her during lunch breaks is out and I have to make sure that her desk is covered during those periods. Usually, I just ask someone to take care of it, but every once in a while I cover her desk as an attempt to get away from my phone. So, a couple of weeks ago I was covering the desk and this lady came into our office with some questions that required me to help her with some literature that was in the lobby area, that is when the ass mouth hit me. I wasn’t sure if she had been actually licking ass before she came in or if something had died in her mouth. I kept bobbing and weaving to avoid a direct hit of her ass breath, when thankfully the receptionist returned, just as my gag reflex took over and I scampered down the hall.

So, today it happened again, but with another lady and different ass mouth, this one working in a different department in my building. I was going to pick up some lunch and the eatery I was going to is walking distance from my office, so I figure its a nice day, the sun is out might as well walk. As I was waiting for the electric cross walk man to give the thumbs up, the person approached and said “hello”…I was literally greeted with ass mouth. She continued to bs with me as I stood there trying not to puke on her. Finally, she made a comment about it being cold…I took that as an opportunity to pretend to blow into my hands, when I was really covering my nose. But, her ass mouth was to powerful for that old trick. I finally resorted to holding my nose and stating that it was REALLY cold, while I prayed for the light to change. At last the cross walk man came to my rescue and I was able to ditch her in the crowd.

Why is it that a person can have tp stuck to their shoe or their slip showing and we have no problem letting them know, but if their breath smells like skunk used their mouth for target practice we decline to mention it to them?

I Demand Love!

2005-11-10T16:26:00.000-08:00

I went to a friend's wedding this weekend and here's my favorite pic from the event. When the groom went in for some luv'n the bride didn't think it was time, thus pulled away and made for this kodak moment...

Paint Balled

2005-11-10T16:19:00.000-08:00

I got home from work the other day to find my husband and my neighbor outside of our house. It happened that my neighbor, a thirty something fellow who still lives with his parents, accidentally shot our house with a paint ball gun. Seeing as how our house is a light yellow and the paint was pink, it made for an interesting mixture. I had just arrived as my neighbor finished cleaning it off, so I didn’t get a chance to see the house in all its glory, but he did happen to also get the stop sign on the corner…

How much...

2005-11-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

do you think this job pays? (beware there is foul language used)

Pumpkin Patch

2005-10-30T15:21:00.000-08:00

I took my son to a pumpkin patch today and got this action shot. I was thinking of using it as our holiday card with the caption “Hope your holidays aren’t crappy”, but I don’t think the family would appreciate it.

Fall in Paradise

2005-10-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

I’ve been stuck at home with bronchitis for the last couple of days and am beginning to feel better. I’m completely excited about Halloween, mainly because my son is at an age where he’s getting into it and I like putting together treats for all five trick-or-treaters that come by the house. Also, Halloween means fall has definitely made its way to my quaint little mountain town...and I love the Fall!!!! Below are some pics I took around town, they are kinda blurry but you do you expect…I was driving. I know that it will be winter soon, which I dread…only because I suck at driving in the snow. Fortunately, the snow doesn’t always stick on the valley flow…unfortunately, when it doesn’t stick that means it melted during the day and will turn into ice at night.

It's...

2005-10-27T06:59:00.000-07:00

about time.

Oral Fixation

2005-10-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

A lady at my work has a huge herpes sore on her lip, every time she comes in my office I stare at it…

"My Root"

2005-10-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

The other day I was watching this campy move “But I’m a cheerleader”, about a girl who’s parents send her home to help her get over being a homosexual. It was a completely tongue in cheek and made me chuckle. One of the things they had to discuss in therapy was their “root” the reason they became gay…examples included a girl seeing her mom get married in pants and another was because the girl was born in France. Anyway, I was moving pictures from my camera to my computer when I came across some that I took on the drive home from LV. And there it was “my root”, not for being gay (I’m only 46% gay), but for being a closet socialist. Mercury, Nevada…home of the “test site”. My parents are uber-republican, which means we don’t talk politics for fear that it will give them a coronary. But, I must admit that I do slip in jabs every once in a while, for instance one time when they were visiting my mom and I were at a book store and she mentioned she wanted a book by Dr. Laura, and I told her that I’d prefer not to have that kind of crap in my house because Dr. Laura was a bigot. Would I have really not let her have it in my house, no, but it felt good to say. I digress, so when I was a kid my parents used to take us to the test site with a church group (keep in mind I’m catholic) to protest nuclear testing. So, here’s a snippet of the massage they sent me as a child…nuclear testing “bad”… abortion “bad”…death penalty “good”. Really the nuclear testing was the only thing that had any impact…in 8th grade I was boycotting GE for building nuclear reactors and McDonald for cutting down forest for herding cattle…definitely moving down the path away from my parent’s republican spouting and toward many future socialist reading.

The road leading to the test site...the white building to the left is next to a chain link fence that when crossed got you arrested for traspassing. We'd have mass outside the fence and then the adults would hold hands and sing religious songs when crossing the fence together...my parents didn't participate in this activity.

2005-10-20T23:43:00.000-07:00

HeHe...DeLay's booking photo.

I'm in love…

2005-10-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

with a dead man, which isn't the first time…I use to have a thing for Shannon Hoon (also a drug od…odd). Anyway, I'm talking about Bradley Nowell once again. So, I was down in Vegas at the Hard Rock Hotel Spa getting waxed and as I was heading out to valet I noticed one of the many celebrity displays in the hallway and who should it be…Bradley Nowell. Of course my first instinct was to lick the glass that enclosed his many artifacts, but seeing how I wasn't alone in the hallway and I try to keep my perverse behavior behind closed doors (or at least off of blatant public display), I instead took several crappy pictures with my camera phone. Behold the paper that "Bad Fish" was written on (you my have notice the lyrics at the top of my blog), if you squint and turn your head you can almost make out the words.

Back in the land of milk and honey…

2005-10-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

I’ve finally returned home, thank god. So much happened while I was away, I don’t even know where to begin…here’s the quick run down, that I’ll expand on later. Drove to Vegas, flooded my in-laws house after one day there, missed my friend's bridal shower because of idiots at a doctor's office, gave my sister a bachelorette party that included me getting some guy thrown out of a bar for taking off his pants in public (I underestimate my powers of persuasion), visited with family and friends, was the “matron” of honor at my sister’s wedding, danced till my legs hurt, visited my niece and her new baby, just about ripped my sister and her husband new ass holes for being inconsiderate and unorganized, went shopping and finally drove home. All in all, it made for an interesting eleven days.

I hate Vegas...sometimes.

2005-10-13T21:08:00.000-07:00

My family wants me to move back to Vegas...but its not exactly high on my list of desires and wishes. Mainly because I love were I live so much and I feel it is a much better environment to raise my son. Anyway, I've been here (in Vegas) for about a week and each day I'm being reminded why I don't like living here....
1. Traffic sucks
2. Freaks on every street corner
3. Guilty feelings of snobbery for thinking everyone is an unwashed freak
4. Pretty sure the freaks include a fair number of pedophiles eyeing my beautiful son
5. Involvement in every minor family crisis
6. Lack of outdoor entertainment...its October and hot so who wants to be outdoors...not able to go for a walk or bike ride without heat stroke
7. It smells like ass
8. Its the land of stucco and mauve buildings...I can't keep shopping centers straight because they all look the same...and what the hell is with all of the "Petcos" and "Petsmarts"
9. Constant fear that I will run into someone I know...didn't care for them when I was here, haven't missed them while I've been gone and have no desire to see them when I visit
10.After a while, chicks with fake boobs, hot pants and hooker heals lose their novelty and I long for the Patagonia clad masses up north

On a positive note...the shopping is great and I do get to see my parents who I love dearly.

Exhibit A: Was stuck in a doctor's office waiting room of 5 hours (another story) and had the joy of listening to this yahoo call everyone in his Franklin Covey knock off date planner and talk about "rolling" some guy when he got out of the hospital...not sure what that means.

Oh...

2005-10-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

My Goodness!

"The Shocker"...Common Knowledge?

2005-10-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

Last night my husband was doing his Vanilla Ice, Cool As Ice, impersonation and made a hand gesture that had a sexual meaning. I made a comment about the gesture and he had no idea what I was talking about. He was giving the sign for “The Shocker”…I explained to him what it meant and he thought I was making it up. I told him that I thought that it was pretty much common knowledge, but he still does not believe me (like I would make it up). So, does everyone know what I’m talking about or am I just talking out my ass?

The Underwear Oracle

2005-10-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

What Your Underwear Says About You

You like your underwear to make you feel girlish and pretty. Let's hope you're a chick.

You're sexy, in that pinup girl, tease sort of way.

The Underwear Oracle

MEME?

2005-10-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

I got tagged from Cladeedah, but seeing as I only have 10 posts I'm going to use my second post and also make up something for the non-existant 23rd.

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

"5. I’m a closet socialist" (Number 5 on the 100 things about me list)
&
"I was so pleased with the results of the anal bleaching, I had to show everyone" (what might be the 5th line of my 23rd post when I write it.)

And here's the other MEME I got from Cladeedah:
1. Legal First name? Rather not state, let's just say its a guy's name
2. Were you named after anyone? Father's Uncle "Howard * White", told you it was a guy's name
3. Do you wish on stars? Not really
4. When did you last cry? Last Monday
5. What is your favorite lunch meat? Roast Beef (but only from a deli)
6. What is your birth date? May 13th
7. Whats your most embarrassing CD? Jessica Simpson, In this skin
8. Would you be friends with you? Hell yea, I'm a kick ass friend, I wish I had more friends like me.
9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? All the time...
10. What are your nicknames? Sashe, Flea, Booty (there's an explaination for that one)
11. Would you bungee jump? Sure
12. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Sometimes
13. Do you think that you are strong? Relatively
14. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? ButterPecan
15. Shoe Size? 9-9.5
16. Red or pink? Red
17. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Nose & poor spelling skills
18. Who do you miss most? B-I-L: Michael
19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Navy
20. What are you listening to right now? NPR-I'm a nerd
21. What did you eat for breakfast? Wheat Bagel
22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Green
23. What is the weather like right now? Sunny and cool
24. Last person you talked to on the phone? Employee with a question
25.The first things you notice about the opposite sex? Package j/k...eyes
26. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes, just thinking about her makes me smile.
27. Favorite Drink? Water or CokeZero
28. Hair Color? Dark Brown
29. Do you wear contacts? Yes
30. Favorite Food? Pizza Crust
31. Last Movie You Watched? 40 Year Old Virgin
32. Favorite Day Of The Year? Changes every year, but it is around the 3rd week of August...day dorms open.
33. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Scary movies, but I spend the whole time covering my face.
34. Summer Or Winter? Summer
35. Hugs OR Kisses? Both
36. What Is Your Favorite Desert? The Mojave... or did you mean Dessert? Creme Brulee
37. Living Arrangements? Two dogs, husband and son.
38.. What books Are You Reading? Thus spoke Zarathustra and The Known World
39. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Don't have one
40.What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Law & Order
41. Favorite Smells? Horses, rain on hot asphalt and coffee
42. Favorite junk food? Cheetos
43. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Hello! Beatles...as if.
44. What's the farthest you've been from home? England/Scotland

I now tag for both of these...no one...the only two people I know who blog Cladeedah already got.

Top 10 Reasons I love my quaint little mountain town.

2005-10-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

I always making comments about my town being a haven for “white trash”, but obviously there are many reasons why I live here and love it.

10. Only place I’ve been were driving a Subaru makes you a pimp...all wheel drive…that’s hot.
9. The whole town is casual. And I’m not talking yuppie khaki/fleece bay area casual (although that element does thrive here), but you can get away with wearing just about anything casual anywhere and you’re not going to feel underdressed. Beanies, cargo pants and Tevas are standard issue when you move here.
8. Everyone is nice…almost to the point of being obnoxious. Walking down the street people look you in the eyes, smile and say “hi”. It’s contagious.
7. It’s an outdoor Mecca. Regardless of the time of year, there is always some activity to do outdoors. Hike, bike, kayak, snow/water ski…there is always something.
6. Anything that we don’t have here is near by. Tahoe- a half-hour; San Francisco- maybe four hours…you drive there and back to see a Giants or 49ers game in the same day and shopping (or you could do that in Sac-two hours away); Napa Valley-three hours away…get the booze and get home quickly.
5. Community atmosphere. This is apparent with regard to the local University. People know what’s going on with the teams and the school in general…they ask questions and care. People know you everywhere you go…it’s like one big Cheers.
4. Its small. I can get most anywhere in town in around 15-20 minutes.
3. The town was founded on my birthday, only 109 years earlier.
2. I think it’s pretty. When most people think of the state, they think desert, but we have four seasons and sagebrush to boot.
1. We try to rise above the “white trash” image…there’s a lot of things to do in town that would not be considered “white trash” and those things are what make it fun to live here.

More guys I would nail, but am not allowed to say that about…

2005-10-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

On my previous blog I listed a bunch of guys that I was hot for, but my husband would get mad if I mentioned. They included George Clooney, Johny Depp, Gary Oldman, Ed Norton, Bradley Nowell and Christian Bale. Since that list was created and deleted, I keep coming across people that I am stunned that I left off, so here are the additions.

Joaquin Phoenix…I think he might qualify as ugly/hot. (I included the pic with the boob shot for the guys stopping by)

Ryan Gosling…just seems sweet.

Ethan Hawke…this one is going back to the Dead Poet Society Days, old crushes die hard.

Jake Gyllenhaal…you gotta love bubble boy.

Christian Bale…I know he was on the first list, but I had to put this picture back up because…damn.

Funny Stuff...

2005-09-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Check out this video for the Utah State fair featuring Pedro and Napoleon...its incredible.

Sneak Attack Pelvic Exam

2005-09-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

I consider myself a mildly intelligent individual. So, when my OB/GYN set up an appointment for me to meet with the person in charge of finances and have a “physical” I didn’t think much of it. I have been through this before and figured it would be the usual list of blood tests, getting weight/blood pressure baselines and a urine sample. But to my glorious surprise it includes a full set of STD tests…which means stirrups, Happy Tuesday Morning! Personally, when I’m going to have my genital probed and my cervix manhandled I like a little warning, but I guess they gave that to me when they said I was going to have a “physical”. I knew something was up when I walked into the room to see an economy size tube of KY, a set of gloves and those huge cotton swabs. Note to self: next time someone wants to give me a “physical” be sure to ask what that entails.
Picture from my OB's waiting room...why would you want a picture of your assumed spouse groping you 9 months pregnant stomach...and where the hell would you hang it?

Sick Baby!

2005-09-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

So, my “hyper vigilant” self would never put a picture of my baby online, due to all the baby snatchers that would want him. But, my little guy was sick today, with a cold that was causing breathing problems. So, I dropped everything, left work (my computer is still on with porn on the screen j/k) and took him to the doctor. The result was that he had to get an Albuterol breathing treatment. Below is a pick with the mask on, I figure it’s okay to post since you can’t make out his whole face…poor baby.

Her/Him and everyone else...

2005-09-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

Coincidence?

2005-09-23T17:37:00.000-07:00

I think it was the talking slot machines that made them to do it...
Priscilla Ford and Stephen Ressa.

We are earning our reputation...

2005-09-23T13:41:00.000-07:00

So, I completely “hyper vigilant” (as one friend calls me) and for good reason…my son is the cutest thing on earth and I know that everyone wants to steal him. This being said, I try not to say too much about myself as to clue in baby snatchers on how to find my perfect little cherub. But, I have to talk about something that gives a pretty good indicator of where I am…and that topic is “Street Vibrations”. It’s an annual biker “convention” held in my quaint little mountain town…and I might mention that this “mountain town” has a pretty good reputation for being totally white trash…and this week we are earning that reputation and then some. My little corner of the world has been invaded by leather bound, tattooed, hog riding DAs with an identity/mid-life crisis. And they are everywhere…I was having dinner with friends and the court yard at the restaurant we were at was filled with them…I had to go to the capital today and the highway was full with them…the sound of their machines fills the air 24/7…the city closed downtown to accommodate their gathering, which makes driving that direction a pain in the ass…in fact, driving anywhere in town is a pain because of these people…oh the horror.
Behold their ball of wonders…I think they get in with their bikes and ride around this thing…a demonstration of centrifugal force, burly and interested in science.

100 Things about me...

2005-09-22T15:48:00.000-07:00

1. The smell of horses is one of my favorite
2. I’ve never been camping
3. I have no real desire to go
4. but, I like to give my husband shit for not taking me.
5. I’m a closet socialist
6. with a bachelors and a masters in business
7. but, I am able to live with myself anyways.
8. That comes from reading Thomas Jefferson and Karl Marx works.
9. People think that I’m smart
10. and that always shocks me.
11. I can cook anything with a recipe
12. but hate to clean up afterwards.
13. In fact, I hate cleaning period.
14. I’m the kinky freak in my marriage…
15. my friends are just learning this about me…
16. my husband is a prude and it gets worse as we get older.
17. I lead a double-life; people who know me in my volunteer organization have no idea who I am…
18. I can adjust myself to any situation.
19. I read philosophy for fun…currently “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”
20. I think that I am completely insane,
21. but strangely enough the most normal person in my family.
22. I love my family…
23. but am happy that they are 440+ miles away.
24. I’m the youngest of approximately 8 children
25. but, only really talk to three of my siblings.
26. The sweetest person that I’ve ever meant is my son.
27. I will be happy when I’m older…
28. because people have a hard time taking me serious due to my age,
29. so a lot of the time I don’t tell people how old I am when asked.
30. I am a problem solver or doer for most people in my life…family, friends, co-workers, etc…
31. I was born and raised catholic…
32. but don’t think believing in Jesus as the son of god is important
33. but I think that believing in his message is…take care of each other.
34. I am horrible at foreign languages
35. and that played a large part in selecting my major in college.
36. I can train myself to do anything (except speak a foreign language)…
37. examples: I am right handed but mouse left when at work, right at home…
38. I use to sleep on my stomach, but now I sleep on my left side (better during pregnancy)
39. I would sacrifice or do everything and anything for my children.
40. If I’m interested in a topic, I learn everything about it.
41. I’m a great researcher.
42. I have a crazy memory
43. that sometimes freaks people out.
44. I’m still not over the death of my bother-in-law, Michael
45. I don’t think I’ll ever be.
46. He was married to my sister for 25 years.
47. He died on Thanksgiving Day last year.
48. He was the closest thing I had to a brother growing up,
49. because my real brothers suck.
50. I’m afraid of my parents dying,
51. because I know I’ll never recover from that.
52. I listen to NPR all day…
53. I think that makes me a nerd.
54. I love my hair…
55. when it is straight.
56. I think homosexuality makes complete sense
57. and it just so happens I’ve never been attracted to a girl to the point of trying anything.
58. My best friend is a boy,
59. growing up we use to tell people we were cousins so his girlfriend’s didn’t get jealous.
60. We slept in the same bed until college
61. but nothing sexual ever happened.
62. We stopped because he got married, and my then boyfriend, now husband asked me not to.
63. When my best friend found out about my then boyfriend, now husband, he gave me a hunting knife to protect myself incase he got rough.
64. He had just seen “Higher Learning” and got worried, he was also high/drunk at the time.
65. I still have knife…
66. I’ve never used it.
67. When I get nervous I start listing polyatomic ions in my head or sing a song where you list all 50 states to the tune of yankee doodle dandy.
68. The scariest thing I ever done was hold on to the outside of a mini-van while standing on the running board…
69. as it went down the street at 45 mph.
70. I’ve lived a pretty safe life.
71. I’ve never lived alone…
72. but, being alone is one of my favorite things.
73. I don’t have a favorite flower…
74. but I do love flowers in general.
75. I send flowers to my husband at work every year on his birthday.
76. I like to do nice things for other people, usually strangers, and not tell anyone about it.
77. I don’t really believe there is a hell…or if there is its pretty empty.
78. I’m afraid that there isn’t a heaven.
79. I’ve had orgasms while sleeping…the mind is an amazing thing.
80. I think middle-aged men are sexy…
81. I often had crushes on my college professors for that reason.
82. I try practicing temperance…
83. I try not to use my horn or curse while driving.
84. I have a much dirtier mouth on paper then I do in person.
85. I love to sleep… but have trouble getting there.
86. I worry too much…sometimes it gives me nightmares.
87. I think the story “The cat and the coffee drinkers”, that I read as a kid, has some great life lessons.
88. My family thinks too highly of me…
89. I think it because I don’t live close by.
90. I think the phrase “shit or get off the pot” applies to everything…
91. I need to remember to apply it to my life more often.
92. I’m in love with Bradly Nowell, to bad he’s dead.
93. I think that Kurt Vonnegut is the greatest writer ever…
94. and I like going to used book stores looking for his stuff.
95. The thought of having another c-section scares me.
96. In high school I thought dating was a waste of time…
97. I can sometimes be rational to a fault…
98. and have trouble understanding people who don’t think logically (as defined by me).
99. I hate not being in control of a situation.
100. I love to listen to people talk…I find people amazing and what to learn about them.

The Bathroom...

2005-09-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so by this time, anyone who knows me knows that I am pregnant. And unlike my last pregnancy I have a touch of a weak stomach this time...mother nature is a bitch. Anyway, it doesn't take much to get my gag reflex going. Today, at the end of work I had to go to the bathroom before I headed to my car. Right before I got to the bathroom, an older lady that works in my building went in. I got into my stall and started taking care of business just has she started to rip the loudes farts I've ever heard in a public restroom (this my come as a shocker to most guys, but most girls don't fart in public, even in a bathroom, unless they are alone). Needless to say, I spent the next five minutes trying to control my gag reflex. When I was finally able to pull myself together, she had already left and my eyes were red and watering. Just writing about it makes my stomach turn...